Friday, February 29, 2008
" ; Friday, February 29, 2008 "
29 Feb 08
HAPPY LEAP YEAR!!!~~
i used to keep a pastime of staring into beautiful, cloudy sky..
i love capturing them whenever they were so fabulous and amazing...
it makes me feel like i am living in a wonderland...
without faltering...i would take out my camera or even anything that can just let me keep that piece of scenery...
i love enjoying looking into the bright nvay blue sky...
i felt relaxed and free from stress...
however...now...
i discovered that i lost that urge to take every single picture of them...
Still...i will look up into the sky asusual..
but...i no longer capture them...
it aroused memories in me...
sharing the beauty of sky with one...
it set my heart to endless dread...
i cannot imagine me still pondering over him or what..
at times...i just felt that may be i can start doing something for myself...
not for others...
i have been doing all things to please others...
to maintain friendship?to promote good reputation of myself?
well...seriously i have no idea...
but one thing i know was that whenever i start putting in my rffort into helping others..
in the end...i don't gain anything and pple were not appreciating...
i don't like myself of being to concern about what others feel and think about me...
i felt very stress and forbidden...
i want to be who am i...
not other want me to be...
sometimes...i felt teachers are giving me too much pressure...
they kept on emphasizing that i must do well in everything...
however..they never know how hard i worked..
and whenever i degraded..they complaint that i didnt put in effort..
what shit?!
they are the one who demand for good performances in front of the P
and they place the burden onto my shoulder..
expecting me to aid them in all ways..
such as deco...forms...competition...reputation...
it's that all my problem..
i dun noe why i am so free to juggle with all these stuff..
it's time i felt i shall stand up for myself...
i think i shall stop all these..and think about what's benefit for me and not alwys being told to do everything ...blindly just followed...i guess everyone has it's own limits..
and now i announced that i shall do things that's right for me not for others...
they won't rmb anyway...
do they ever mention my name or even stating it when they have all the rewards...
no..i supposed...and thus...i m not doing for them anymore..
but something to appeal and please myself...
i m not trying to be self centred here..
but i felt i am dumb enough to be used by others...
to soft hearted although i seemed to be fercious sometimes..
kk...
shall stop here....
=)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
" ; Thursday, February 28, 2008 "
28th of Feb...
HAPPY BURTHDAY TO MY DEAREST WIFE!
yesterday...so it's belated....!
i told me a long time to discover my mistake...
my mistake in producing poor results recently...
for this....i have not been in good mood and was pretty upset...
unknowing why i studied so hard but the product doesnt seemed to match...
nights and nights i thought about that...
mourning over the drop in my grades and probably my bad behaviour...
i came out with several problems and soloutions...
one...i must be too concern over the marks and ranking...
two....as mentioned previously..i became panicked during tests....
third...all these lead to confusion and misleading ideas in my mind...
forth....i am too active in class competitions and neglecting my studies somehow...
why neglected?when i worked so hard for each subjects...?
i think the main reason is the lethargic in me...
reaching home everyday in the evening...
didn't get the little nap i usually had....
stressing myself too much....
and my goal and ambitions eventually became an obstacle in my studies...
no longer a motivation for my studies but a burden...
a burden i may not be able to cope or resist...
sometimes i felt so discouraged and demoralized by the results...
but i thought over it and decided that i shall get out of the dark hole
and may be start to reflect on myself..
on the weaknesses and faults....
with all the problems figured out...
i took actions to save my devastating studies...
i locked up my laptop till i had finished all my work...
i shifted my studying place to the dinning room where i felt i can concentrate more...
From there...i felt the urge that i want to do this right...
And i WILL....
i know the god is testing my patient and understanding...
i know...
thus...i rather i fail now...then i do badly in O LVL
it's hard to believe i am deproving...
the teachers are pushing down on me...
saying that i m degrading...
however...they didnt know all these words increased the pressure in me..
causing me more streeful and frustrated...
cant they see i worked very hard for every test...
it's just not maintaining the top..
it doesnt mean the end of the world...
i hope they can say some motivating stuff....
and may be i will feel better...
^^
whatever it it...i have the motivation to do well again..
i learn from my mistakes and each of these obstacles...
i will conquer them....
to achieve my victory...
Monday, February 25, 2008
" ; Monday, February 25, 2008 "
my dear ah gong eating jelly...
this is the machine keeping my ah gong's leg un-cramp?
lovely till they were old...
in NUH
25 FEB 2008
this particular afternoon....
sensing something...
i decided to go NUH after school straight away...
one is to giv my ah gong a surprise...
two is to see if he gets better...
i went around those little shops they had in the hospital...
but i just couldnt find the jelly ah gong wanted so badly...
later...i gave up...
so i headed to the main building and to the fifth floor...
i guess the hospital is just to complicated and is a immense structure
such that i dont quite remember where the wards were...
Ultimately....i found the room...
and my ah gong was sleeping soundly....
so glad to see the bedsheet was improved...
by adding air bedsheet in between...so that to provide for comfort for the patient
but of coz...that's require extra cost.
the tubes that were attached to him yesterday were removed...
^^ and he was able to raise and move his hand around...
the nurse told him do do exercising...
so his arms and thighs wont get stiff...
i love ah gong...
so i dun wish to see him in any troubles...
haa....i hope i can find time for tmr...
so i can go see him.....
felt very relieved whenever i saw him breathe....
felt very estatic whenever i saw him calling my name...
felt very satisfied whenever i can help him in some ways or others...
one day he may forget our faces and even who we are..
but
no matter how the earth evolve...
no matter what comes in my path...
so what if the earth turns up side down..
ah gong will alwys in my heart...
those memories...
i will take them wher'ever i go...
^^
Sunday, February 24, 2008
" ; Sunday, February 24, 2008 "
MY SISTER'S KEEPER
[[Anna is not sick, but she might as well be.
By age thirteen, she has undergone countless surgeries, transfusions, and shots so that her older sister, Kate, can somehow fight the leukemia that has plagued her since childhood.
The product of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, Anna was conceived as a bone marrow match for Kate - a life and a role that she has never questioned… until now.
Like most teenagers, Anna is beginning to question who she truly is.
But unlike most teenagers, she has always been defined in terms of her sister - and so Anna makes a decision that for most would be unthinkable… a decision that will tear her family apart and have perhaps fatal consequences for the sister she loves.
My Sister's Keeper examines what it means to be a good parent, a good sister, a good person.
Is it morally correct to do whatever it takes to save a child's life… even if that means infringing upon the rights of another?
Is it worth trying to discover who you really are, if that quest makes you like yourself less?]]
adapted from:http://www.jodipicoult.com/
leu·ke·mi·a
any of several cancers of the bone marrow that prevent the normal manufacture of red and white blood cells and platelets, resulting in anemia, increased susceptibility to infection, and impaired blood clotting.
i had just finished reading this book"My sister's keeper" by Jodi picoult.
it was a wonderful and remarkable book.
i cried over parts when i felt the same as Anna.
Borned for the reasons to stay her sister alive.
Not allowed to voice out her own opinions at times.
Living in a broken family, when her brother was forgotten by her parents.
or rather the parents gave up on him.
the parents were too concerned about Kate's well being.
such that their eyes were merely pinned on Kates...
unknowingly, they ignored their other two kids.
Anna was asked to gave up one of her kidneys to Kate when she was 13.
she refused and fighted for her own rights..
she hired a lawyer.
in between...there were contradicitons and irony that the author wrote that would defintiely amazed u.the story ended with a tradegy but a begining of a new life...
it's stunning and heart breaking story..
full of inspiration and has the emotional tenacity to fuel tears and talk.
i cried over the same part when i read it over and over again...
SARA(Anna's mother)
[[Brian comes up behind me."Sweetheart, she's not here. It's the machine keeping her body alive. What makes Anna Anna is already gone."
I turn, bury my face against his chest. "But she wasn't supposed to," I sob.
We hold each other, then, and when i feel brave enough i look back down at the husk that once held my youngest, He is right, afterall. This is nothing but a shell. There is no energy to lines of her face; there is a slack absence to her muscles. Under this skin they have stripped her of organs that will go to Kater and to other, nameless, second-chance people.
"Okay." I take a deep breath. Iput my hand on Anna's chest as Brian, trembling, flips the respirator. I rub her skin in small circles, as if this might make it easier. When the monitors flatline, I wait to see some change in her. And then i feel it, as her heart stops beating beneath my palm ---that tiny loss of rhythm, that hollow calm, that utter loss.]]
KATE(ANNA's sister)
[[My mother let me have that picture of Anna. But i didn't frame it, i put it into an envelope and sealed it and stuffed it far back into a corner drawer of a filing cabinet. It's there, just in case one of these days i start to lose her.
There might be a morning when i wake up and her face isn't the first thing i see. Or a lazy August afternoon when i can't quite recall anymore where the freckles were on her right shoulder. May be one of these days, i will not be able to listen to the sound of snow falling and hear her footsteps.
When i start to feel this way i go into the bathroom and i life up my shirt and touch the white lines of my scar. I remember how, at first, i thought the stitches seemed to spell out her names.
I think about her kidney working inside me and her blood running through my veins. I take her with me, whenever i go.]]
i am moving on to the "A THOUSANDS OF SPLENDID SUN" by Khaled Hosseini
author of Kite runner....
before i go off...
ONE LAST IMPORTANT THING...
HAPPY BURTHDAY TO MY DEAREST COUSIN...
NATHAN LAU CHI HOU!!!!<3
Saturday, February 23, 2008
" ; Saturday, February 23, 2008 "
23'02'08
it had been a number of days i didnt write about my life...
i went to see my grandpa today...
he's feeling better...
but my heart ache everytime i saw him breathe uneasily...
the tubes that attached to his body...
making him looks like a white mice under experiments...
his pale looking face with watery eyes seem to prove me that he aint that young anymore...
not that healthy and fit grandpa i used to play with when i was 7..
he's no longer posses those cleared minds and skillful speeches...
he seemed to turn back into a little kid...
with childish questions and ridicules requests....
i felt like crying seeing him in such pains and uncomfort...
but i cannot do anything but to accompany him..
make him feel homed and loved...
ah gong...
u must recover early..
so we can eat chocolate and drink coca cola together...
i entrusted myself into gruelling of studying...
i locked up my com..
except when i have done all my work...
i shift my work place to the living room..
where i find i can concentrate more...
and surprisingly...
i did all my homeworks and studies...
and now left with couple of ws to go...
felt so satisfied..^^
kk
pple i got to go..
signed off
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
" ; Wednesday, February 20, 2008 "
20'feb'08
it was the call that gave me a blow...
i was about to head towards the busstop...
wanting to go home for my tuition ...
when this unpredicted call rang...
i ransacked my bag for the damn phone...
was astounded to hear the news...
it was not anything one would like to know or even dream of...
my aunt who is currently still in sydney preparing my cousin's further studies..
informed me about my grandpa being hospitalized...
at first...
i thought this was a prank call..
later...i glare at the reality such that the number was my aunt's...
i choked...
i swallowed...
i listened..
there some kind of bleeding in my grandpa's stomach..
and he was sent to the emergency room this morning...
i stood rooted to the ground...
my eyes turned blurrish....
my mind blank...
yeah...i did manage to walk home without fainting half way...
i didnt really express my depression and sorrow in front of MX
i guess...
either i am too shock to react...
or i am wanted to endure till last...
i don't know...
this particular afternoon...
i dashed home....
praying in front of the guan yin with the three joystick...
full heartedly...
in the hope god will help my grandpa get through this...
next...i don't know what got on me...
i switched on my com...
and watched prison break...
i didnt want to take a nap...
as i don't want to sleep when i am afraid grandpa would leave just in the whislt of my nap...
as i stared at the screen...
my heart was pounding hard and fast....
not really concentrating on the interesting storyline or climax of the story...
i waited for nathan and my brother to come back...
so we can go to the temple and pray for my grandpa...
my brother came back quite late...it was the evening then...
we decided to set off for temple....
at there...
i prayed with my fullest earnest sincere....
later...i phoned my aunt in sydney...
she finally told me the entire process....
i fought back the tears which were on the verge to fall off...
my grandpa just came out of the emergency room...
and was situated at the ICU...
tonight...
he have to be all alone..by himself...
when i thought of him being alone in the empty hospital...
i felt extremely dismay and unhappy...
why cant i be just there for him....?
why cant i be the one who lie there..?
for him...?
why cant i take over all his pains his suffering now...?
ps...i go take tissue...tears rolling offf...
tomorrow...my daddy will fly his way here..
to take care of ah gong...
i really hope he can get through this...
ah gong...u must be determine...
all of us will support u....
ah gong...we love u!!!<3
Monday, February 18, 2008
" ; Monday, February 18, 2008 "
18'02'08
this morning...
i woke up extra early in order to arrive school in time to clear all my doubts on maths..
i had done all my practices...and i felt...really...nothing much i can do to improve already...
however...
the test was really complicated...
well...frankly speaking...it's not difficult...
but it's tricky and i guess i made few careless mistakes...
haix....was quite worried about my test....
did i really deproved?my grades seemed to drop....
T^T
wad can i do?
i don't know....
really cannot do anything?
i think i can....
from now on...
i guess...
my com had to be locked up ....
and i should jus concentrate on my studies....
no more volunteering work and whatever shit...
oh...by the way...i won the class tee shirt design today...
however...it was not as honoured to be up there takin the prize...
for particular reasons ...
i felt....it doesnt worth when it's not the whole class putting in the effort...
BUT only my persistence and selfishness of takin up the entire job myself...
now...i felt really anguish and exhausted over one man show...
the dearth of supports and dis-appreciation...
drew me down to a conclusion...
it's a time when i learnt to share and give up something...
i don't want to be the great one anymore....
so what if 4C dun win....
i won't even care anymore...
as u guys rely on me too much...
and i am not going to be the one suffering ...
if u all want it...make the effort coming together as a team...
not only with the saying part and leave it for tmr and tmr...
till deadline...noone does it...as u all expected there will be someone doing it...
which probably always be me...
so...
i have decided....
it's time to stop...
let's clear everything right now...
it's time to stop fighting for 4C pride with only one man show...
i dun even care if the 4n's malays started to criticize me with all their jealousy...
fine....they wan to win..proof it...i dun even give a damn....
so like WHATEVER!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
" ; Sunday, February 17, 2008 "
17'02'08
next week will be test week....
die lah...
monday:AMATHS
tuesday:CHEMISTRY
wednesday: not booked yet.
thursday:not available yet.
friday:GEOGRAPHY
oh my god.....
gonna to slaughter people soon...
RArrrr.....
STRESS!!!!
T^T
Friday, February 15, 2008
" ; Friday, February 15, 2008 "
15'02'08
after a week of continuous gruelling studies...
today...i unlocked my laptop....
allowing myself to watch some videos...
tmr will be the starting of tedious hard work again...
having tuition tmr and in the afternoon...
probably study for amaths and chemistry...
alot to be improved and work on....
mr ngiow said he will be setting a rather tough paper...
may be he is giving stress on us...
haix.....yeah....sec four aint that easy to cope...
but whatever it is....
i will try not to fall sick...
though running nose and cough had clang on me...
heees....
felt depressed over these few days...
my kor had not been in good mood...
i sympathize his situation...
however...i was not able to aid him...
felt so small and useless....
when he cried...
i felt like hugging him too...
why relationship always cause people to suffer...
aint it supposed to be happy and joyful?
i get over everything by now...
throwing all the unhappiness behind...
now....
jus pray hard my kor can go through the tough period...
it will be a long and painful process...
i know....
may be we, citizen of macao, are more emotional..?
not that easy to give up on one..?
it takes both of us to like someone for 4 years...
yet....may be we aint that perfect and good...
we got rejected...we got hurted...we got defeated...
i hope....
he can go through all these with little pain...
loves...
your dearest sister...<3
Thursday, February 14, 2008
" ; Thursday, February 14, 2008 "
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
" snaps of life make up me ; Tuesday, February 12, 2008 "
nothing much but snapping of them is fun.
sometimes...candid can be wonderful..
i take candid of others but noone take for me..haa..
YESTERDAY!
the threesome
lonely little me..
X men escalator?
that's where i been to...
i am the queen..
some how..the hiar dresser left this little hair uncut..
hey rain..
hey thunder
i will miss him badly
lalala...
so u have reboned hair too...
mummiee...i gonna to miss u for three weeks
nice design...i l it
like overlapping pieces but it has perspective
i know when to smile...
darling and mumiiee..
let's jus leave this path..
watch this vain movie i took..
you all may just wonder why i have been very quiet these few days...
i have been thinking alot....
thinking something unneccessary...
my dearest cousin (yu teng pong) has left for studying in sydney yesterday...
my dearest mummie(fake one) had happily followed him...
she will not be back till he settle down probably..i guess....3 weeks..
i don't bear to let my cousin leave...
there were reasons to that...
he had always taken good care of others...
e.g:whenever i am sick...he always reminded me to take med...or even bring it up to me..as he knew i will forget...there were a time...i caught up with a stomach flu....
he gradually woke up in the midnight...bringing water bags to warmth my tummy...
and also brought along water and thermometer...
he covers me with blanket whenever i kicked it out of bed...
although i was quite awake....
i didnt want to open my eyes upon seeing him...
happily letting him take care of me...
during his holidays...he helped mummie(fake one) alot...
going to market everyday with her....
almost accompany her to anywhere.....
he's very filial...
and loyal to god....pray every single day...go temple frequently..
when the night turns dark...he picked me up at busstop...
afraid that danger may come into my path when going home...
he consider not even a single bit of selfishness...
i will miss him badly...
T^T
today....
was really exhausted....
cannot resist the tiredness in maths class...
so i slept soundly during the homework time given...
matters are secretly going on both in my brain and heart...
sometimes is hard to decide things that are planned for u...
and it's hard identify which path or route i should choose...
it had always been like that...
may be.....
one day....
i shall change for others...
Sunday, February 10, 2008
" ; Sunday, February 10, 2008 "
mah jiong...i taught pau to play^^
ah so...haha...lol...
they are so serious???!!!!WHAHA
ah qiao...relax... calm down
peg peg peg
dun act dao lah
"oh WE WON!!!!"
jus guess wad they were doing..
oh my...it's getting worse
bleh
many of us
AHHAHAHAH
CJ7
today...
MX(7of us) went to my house....
played WII
played MAH JIONG
played COM
went to peg house
PLAY com
PLAY mah jiong
WATCH R(A)
hhaa...
can u believe that?
long story...
but do believe us....
we aint that horny...
haa...
it's a R(A) disc with singapore's PG sticker...
lol
And, life without DUMMY will be equal to the worst night mare...31'May'08
