The Show Is Ending Soon...
Well...
Afterall...
It wasn't that awesome i thought it will be...
It turned out to be another disapointment....


Can say i didnt regret watching it....
But i certainly felt upset over the ending...


Even then...
I guess...
It's almost time to wrap up the show...
Thanks Crew



This round..
I am determined

我不想忘记你

我在向前走却像在退后
我在用想念狂欢寂寞
越快乐就越失落
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

FIVE MORE EXAM DAYS LEFT
&
ELEVEN MORE DAYS TO LIBERTY( not counting the MCQ on 11 of nov )




GUYS GOOD LUCK AND JIA YOU!!



recently....
haix....
also don't know how to type them in words
they just stuck there in my throat...
Rarrr



just...something unpleasant happened...
Think i am really sick and tired of everything...
I don't know..
it feels just so weird...
It's like...
you don't want to do this...
But you are doing it unknowingly...
hurting lots of feelings..
haix...
i really don't know how to cope this..
when i am just trying to be ignorant to everything...
i am sorry people!

hey people...
After few weeks of under the stress of this monster "O Level"...
I decided just come to blog...
And, may be just write some crap...
It's 1.29 am now...
Basically...i am still quite awake...
Probably too stressed up, knowing that the next day will be O Level...
Even though the actual O Level started long ago...
With the hilarious Oral Exam, Crazy Chinese papers and the practical...
Next week will be the beginning of hell...
I hope it will be over with a blink of my eyes...
And, it will...^^


Reasons to this sleepless night...
Firstly.. got to blame myself for drinking too must green tea...
Not those packet or bottle green tea...
but those traditional tea packet...
drink about 1.5 litres of it...
and i am still drinking it now...
Secondly..
it's just some stuff clog up my head...
Not really a fight with dummy...
But, something that we two couldn't even explain..
FEELINGS..


Ah~
before that...
i have to apologize to Everyone, especially to 4A's people...
for those who overheard me in the library last week...
i am sorry to upset you people...
i had reacted too exaggerated...
over the sitting arrangement of the grad night...
i was kinda crazy that day...
but if you all insisted to sit as a class...
i think i should respect you all...
^^
sorry for making such a big fuss out of it...
hope you all can forgive
=)



alright...
back to the feelings part...
just one question...
:"Have you guys ever felt that somehow...
you just don't suit your partner anymore?"

Well...I am not indicating that i want to end everything...
Just that...

if your partner said that he or she doesn't want to continue talking about his or hers feelings towards something he or she may be unhappy about...
thinking that it will be another start of an argument...
Does that mean that your partner is sick of talking to you?
Or
He or she is just tired?
Or
He or she is just sick of arguing with you?


To me...
It implies me that...
I am irritating him or her...
And...he or she felt tired of the relationship even though he or she still loves you...
That means...
he or she just think that he or she just cannot find a place to ventilate his or hers feelings...
At that moment...
Does that mean that he or she will go out and search for another one where by the another one can give him or her his or hers comfort and console?

Is that what we always seen in the show...
when a husband felt sick of quarrelling with the wife...
Next...
he just went out of house and to some drinking pub...
then... theoretically...
a girl will "accidentally" pop into him...
and may be just like this...
the marriage will be ending at the moment when the girl starts to talk and the guy starts to listen and sink in...?


What if ...
just a short period of time...
your partner just said he or she is just tired of talking to you...
Does that mean that after one year...two...three..or even ten years down the road...
He or she...
Will just stop talking to you...
because of one reason:"I am tired?"


I am not saying that this will happen to me or
definitely occur in the future...
but just some assumptions in my mind..


what if after years...
you find out that the partner you have been loving...
Is just not the right one..
where by you find that both of yours character is like hell and heaven?
And, you had already made so many promises to him or her..
In addition...you just loved him or her so much you don't want to hurt him or hers feeling..
Does that drive you crazy?

I guess it will?


What will happen when wife and husband just stopped speaking out their feelings?




FEELINGS...
Ain't it important in a relationship or even marriage??

No feelings , No talk?
it's everything just ending like this?





I hadn't give up so far...
what about you?




Sometimes..
i felt that relationship restricted a lot of things..
but there's gain and lost..
the world is fair...
^^

I just wish i can be who i am...
And not who people wished to be..
I am not a doll after all...
I am Hang U the great!

Thanks everyone who cared for me...
Especially my best friends, nuers and friends from anywhere...
I thank you all for sending in your regards....
I will put all these aside first and concentrate on my O Level...
^^


basically...
the previous previous post....
Was on how i was unhappy about the way my family was brought up...
But till yesterday....i have another thought...


My aunt talked to me on Sat...
Just then...i found out she purposely ignored me so that i can feel the pain she was experiencing..
She wanted me to learn the importance of family love
and the world is not only left with M.Y's love towards me...
Yes, i agreed with her finally...
That it was a torture to live without family..
Especially when i am a girl who needs alot of attention, love and care...
Now that they stopped giving me the care...
it's really suffocating me...
Later, she told me that she had her annual body scan...
the report said that she had this white patch near the heart portion...
it could be water, fats or breast cancer....
I was taken aback by this news....
Couldnt believe what i just heard....
she also mentioned that she want to tell me all she needs to tell me...
so that when the report comes out on monday...if happen to be unhopeful...
she wounldnt have to worry about telling me the stuff...
the stuff simply she just want me to concentrate on studies first...
and obviously don't want me get into any relationship ...
according to her...my parents intended to send me back to hong kong to study..
Where i can stay far away...a three hours flight away... from M.Y
my aunt told them it's not the guy's problem..
even if i stay in HK, i will still get a bf if i doesn't know how to think mature...
I guess at this point...they were all upset over what i did...
probably still couldnt believe i will...




Afterall....
i am still stuck at the same spot...
Between family and love...
my love...
now is so worried that he will spoil my family and eventually tarnish my future...
he's now keeping everything to himself..
Not letting me interfere...giving reason that i had worried enough...
i hate it when he start to blame himself..
but he seemed to be the stubborn one who never listen to me either..
though he always lament that i was the dumb and stubborn one..
I just don't get him...
Why can't we pull this through TOGETHER...
Aint relaitonship is to go through thick and thin TOGETHER?
it's just so tough to be alone...
And, u dummy..
Can u just Listen and Think!


Argh... angry over a dummy who never listen!
(dummy, if u are reading this....please...
don't think about us anymore...
if you feel burden...i shall leave u alone...
so you can concentrate on studies...
if i am such a burden to u...
i think...i must well disappear..>:\ )




Back to the topic...
my aunt had changed back to her ownself...
just like last time...
but i still couldnt accept the fact she is treating me good again...
it's kinda unbelievable and may be i m afraid to lose it again...



No matter what...
i am going to work hard for O's and all these
i need more time to settle after that...



Jiayou pple!!!^^
it's your last lap!

QIAO XIN IS BANANA!!!!HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA


THANKS PEOPLE!!!



^^

though i didn't want to explain or elaborate on this matter...
but i seriously feel that i should just voice them out here..
since no one at home is going to listen to me...

Well...
how to begin this long and draggy story....

erm...
Let's jump to the point then...

My aunt or rather...the whole entire family knew about my relationship with M.Y...
And, obviously...they don't belong to the group of supportive parents...
And, true enough...they opposed everything that is related to this relationship...

I am utter sorry for making them so upset and especially broke my aunt's heart twice where by now i have no ways to glue the broken pieces back one whole...
i have no idea how angry my parents were or to what extend they will do to just make me regret of what i did...
As my aunt once told me...
if she ever finds out again...
she will send me back to Macao which means that i will be destroying my own future with my bare hands...
despite her warnings...
i still continued my relationship...
not that i don't fear the consequences...
but just that i should at least deserve a chance to live up to my own interest...

i cannot 100% say that i didn't betray their teachings and rules...
but i know i had not been letting them disappoint for the past 8 years i had studied in Singapore...
Maintaining my studies and at the same time...
fulfilling their wishes or rather they would say it's for my future...
though i admit that i have been slacking quite a lot this year...
but i can say that i had never gave up on my studies...
And... i am trying my very best...
i think with this...i deserve some freedom of my own?


my parents and close relative are very sensitive to having a relationship at my age (0-17 and above)...
they are just like any other parents...
may be next time when i grew up to be a parents...
i will feel the same way as them...
they fear i will get cheated, afraid that i will get pregnant at young, frightened that i will neglect my studies..and may be more other bad impacts from relationships....
All that they heard from and thought of...

No doubts...i cannot deny the fact that this relationship have affected me more or less...
either adversely or positively...
i think it's both...
but i don't really recall much bad things i did with MY
at most lying to my parents..which is already the worst to them i guess...
and frankly speaking...the worse for me too...
it had been a hard time for both parties where by they worried and get paranoid easily...
while i am trying to hide well so that they wont find out and i will hurt them once more...
they actually think that i don't even care and love them for which they see i lied to them twice...
in fact...i think they should know this...
if i don't care and love for them...
i would have openly stead with M.Y and even heck care of everything....
however...they seemed to ignore that, probably blinded by all the bad deeds i did....


Now...
i broke the trust with them....
i shall not elaborate on the part and tiny little things in between..
where by i suggested a break up with M.Y
and i cried over and over again...
getting emotionally choked up...
streaming through shopping malls like ghost...
studying alone at mac ...
crying in bus attracting unnecessary attention...
soaking my pillows at night...
staring into the phone where by he wont message anymore...
clearing the inbox which i think it's emptied anyway...
put all the memories in folders and boxes...
so that i will never forget them...
thinking too much on my own...
suspecting all the promises will be gone in that second..
and everyone else is leaving me...
thoughts like the whole is collapsing...
walk with my head pointing downwards and eyes focusing on the floor
as if there will be some kind people dropping their money for me to pick up...
ridiculously drawing craps on worksheets and crying over sad songs...


I'm really going crazy that day...
guess it was the worst day of my life so far..



how can a person's life be so pathetic and upset...?

i will tell u how..
when your parents start to turn cold to u
when your love ones, in my case , my aunt, who took care of me for 9 years...
start to ignore you and may be at times give attitude to you...
and even now and then...you are still a sting in her heart where by she cannot forget what you did to her...
she forgets everything good thing about you because all the good memories are polluted by just the one thing u committed wrongly...
Worse still...is when she starts to behaving strangely...
being nice to you for one second
and , the other...
she turns her face 360 degrees and start to dig out all the negative points of u...
have you all ever tried that your mom or dad want to disown you?


OK...i tried that...
my mom once said she wants to give me away to my aunt...
sounds like she's disowning me...
but luckily...it didn't happen this round...

but, nonetheless...
just imagine my mom decided that she had been wasting money on a shit like me(to them)
and she decided to cut all the money that are used for my education...
may be to the extend to throw me out of house...
given that my aunt hates me so much now...
i think i will be homeless....


think about that...
perhaps that's the worse thing in your life...


but now.....
i am experiencing the worst of the worst...
where by days you stayed at home...
my aunt started to talk about it again and nagged again...
and recite the whole story to you
may be this is done to torment me or perhaps.....
to make me feel more guilty....
next....
you felt so lonely at home...
because she wont talk a single thing...
or may be because i didn't want to talk..
as i cannot estimate her temper at any moment...
she could be thinking and suspecting at that moment and want to be harsh with me...
or she could be thinking of how to forgive me( which i think it's very hard for this to happen as my reputation in their heart is shattered)
at times....
you just find yourself so tiny and negligible that you felt that there's not a place for you in this house...
leading that...
i find myself being watched and aimed all the time whatever i want to do..
i felt that millions of eyes are watching me..probably the god and my own wild imaginations..
these eyes don't seemed to be friendly but hostile...
i see the blame , anger, disappointment, unreliability and even revenge in these eyes...
they are there to make sure I FEEL GUILTY ENOUGH


my aunt told me not to suicide for any guys if they happened to break my heart in the future...
she is telling me all these because she don't trust that i will break up with M.Y and will continue lying to her...she felt that no promises should make this round and i should think on my own...
which true enough...i think and think and think
till i chose the choice they want....
i am always standing in the middle...
trying not to hurt any of them...
now...i see it...
the most painful one is me...
it's no one's fault....
not him
not family
but me....



i started the game playing even though i knew the repercussion of it....
i deserved all these

well....i am serving my sentence now...
whereby it's bloody painful now...
to be sitting on the verge of the cliff...


really want to suicide...
not because of M.y
but i think i gonna to end my life because of being guilty...



i am like a criminal now...
everyone in the family see me as a person with mistakes with a dirt in me...
they recognise me as the person who hurt my family...
they see me as a saint...



i think relationship is not affecting my studies
but the back wash is...(the effects of being discovered and reprimanded for everything you did)
guess wad...
my aunt told me they are not blaming the guy
but me...
the one who cannot think
the one who is stupid enough to start the game...




i don't blame them...
i know it's my fault and i am sorry for all i did...
and...
i think they are unhappy too...
they all go for the same aim...
they want me to be happy and stay away from mistakes and stumbling over obstacles



but to me...
at times...small obstacles in life
get me move on...
get me motivated...


not that i am saying that getting myself pregnant or getting ditch and heart broken or may be slicing my hands are small obstacles...these are huge and serious obstacles...
but i just feel that life will be so bored if one only study and study and get married or rather stead at the age when you get into university....( they suggested that you will see more better guys in uni....and u should only start relationship after u get your job)
Woah...let's count ....
that will be 10 years...
may be even before hitting the number 10...
the earth is gone already...
HAHAHA
with the thinking...
i felt that i had not done anything for me to regret....




may be as they said...
i am too young to think...
and I WILL CONFIRM REGRET IN THE FUTURE....
for not listening to them


well...
may be as they wished...
i will regret one day....


but not now...









=)
sleepy and now i can sleep without worries...
i had all my thoughts out here...
the haze in heart had somehow cleared abit..
probably sooner...
i will see the blue sky again...
may be not the same blue sky....
but better than rainy and cloudy days....






came out with study plan today



EAT SLEEP STUDY!!!


and abit rest time!!!




till.........
11 nov!!!(11/11/08)

LUCKY DAY 1111 someone will be missing me badly that day...



good luck peers!

To break free and soar into the blue sky..

So what if everything was just an illusion

what if i had never existed...
will the light still shines bright?

my second home?

CAT CAT...he/she ignored me completely...am i that irritating?Awww

LOLIPOP...wad a coool shirt...ONLY the shirt..

Rainny days...please don't bring umbrella...
just dance in the rain then...
so no one sees your tears..LOL

i drank three of them!XD

when studies get bored



GUESS GUESS WHAT THIS!!!!!!

ok...








obviously it's a bird....











but on wad?
guess guess













































DADA!!!!

DINOSAUR!!!! RARRRR~~~
hahaha...
i am so lame...^^

tai du!!!

Lastly....

just want to say



GOOD LUCK FOR OLEVEL!!!!


JIA YOU!!!!

彷徨, 失落