though i didn't want to explain or elaborate on this matter...
but i seriously feel that i should just voice them out here..
since no one at home is going to listen to me...

Well...
how to begin this long and draggy story....

erm...
Let's jump to the point then...

My aunt or rather...the whole entire family knew about my relationship with M.Y...
And, obviously...they don't belong to the group of supportive parents...
And, true enough...they opposed everything that is related to this relationship...

I am utter sorry for making them so upset and especially broke my aunt's heart twice where by now i have no ways to glue the broken pieces back one whole...
i have no idea how angry my parents were or to what extend they will do to just make me regret of what i did...
As my aunt once told me...
if she ever finds out again...
she will send me back to Macao which means that i will be destroying my own future with my bare hands...
despite her warnings...
i still continued my relationship...
not that i don't fear the consequences...
but just that i should at least deserve a chance to live up to my own interest...

i cannot 100% say that i didn't betray their teachings and rules...
but i know i had not been letting them disappoint for the past 8 years i had studied in Singapore...
Maintaining my studies and at the same time...
fulfilling their wishes or rather they would say it's for my future...
though i admit that i have been slacking quite a lot this year...
but i can say that i had never gave up on my studies...
And... i am trying my very best...
i think with this...i deserve some freedom of my own?


my parents and close relative are very sensitive to having a relationship at my age (0-17 and above)...
they are just like any other parents...
may be next time when i grew up to be a parents...
i will feel the same way as them...
they fear i will get cheated, afraid that i will get pregnant at young, frightened that i will neglect my studies..and may be more other bad impacts from relationships....
All that they heard from and thought of...

No doubts...i cannot deny the fact that this relationship have affected me more or less...
either adversely or positively...
i think it's both...
but i don't really recall much bad things i did with MY
at most lying to my parents..which is already the worst to them i guess...
and frankly speaking...the worse for me too...
it had been a hard time for both parties where by they worried and get paranoid easily...
while i am trying to hide well so that they wont find out and i will hurt them once more...
they actually think that i don't even care and love them for which they see i lied to them twice...
in fact...i think they should know this...
if i don't care and love for them...
i would have openly stead with M.Y and even heck care of everything....
however...they seemed to ignore that, probably blinded by all the bad deeds i did....


Now...
i broke the trust with them....
i shall not elaborate on the part and tiny little things in between..
where by i suggested a break up with M.Y
and i cried over and over again...
getting emotionally choked up...
streaming through shopping malls like ghost...
studying alone at mac ...
crying in bus attracting unnecessary attention...
soaking my pillows at night...
staring into the phone where by he wont message anymore...
clearing the inbox which i think it's emptied anyway...
put all the memories in folders and boxes...
so that i will never forget them...
thinking too much on my own...
suspecting all the promises will be gone in that second..
and everyone else is leaving me...
thoughts like the whole is collapsing...
walk with my head pointing downwards and eyes focusing on the floor
as if there will be some kind people dropping their money for me to pick up...
ridiculously drawing craps on worksheets and crying over sad songs...


I'm really going crazy that day...
guess it was the worst day of my life so far..



how can a person's life be so pathetic and upset...?

i will tell u how..
when your parents start to turn cold to u
when your love ones, in my case , my aunt, who took care of me for 9 years...
start to ignore you and may be at times give attitude to you...
and even now and then...you are still a sting in her heart where by she cannot forget what you did to her...
she forgets everything good thing about you because all the good memories are polluted by just the one thing u committed wrongly...
Worse still...is when she starts to behaving strangely...
being nice to you for one second
and , the other...
she turns her face 360 degrees and start to dig out all the negative points of u...
have you all ever tried that your mom or dad want to disown you?


OK...i tried that...
my mom once said she wants to give me away to my aunt...
sounds like she's disowning me...
but luckily...it didn't happen this round...

but, nonetheless...
just imagine my mom decided that she had been wasting money on a shit like me(to them)
and she decided to cut all the money that are used for my education...
may be to the extend to throw me out of house...
given that my aunt hates me so much now...
i think i will be homeless....


think about that...
perhaps that's the worse thing in your life...


but now.....
i am experiencing the worst of the worst...
where by days you stayed at home...
my aunt started to talk about it again and nagged again...
and recite the whole story to you
may be this is done to torment me or perhaps.....
to make me feel more guilty....
next....
you felt so lonely at home...
because she wont talk a single thing...
or may be because i didn't want to talk..
as i cannot estimate her temper at any moment...
she could be thinking and suspecting at that moment and want to be harsh with me...
or she could be thinking of how to forgive me( which i think it's very hard for this to happen as my reputation in their heart is shattered)
at times....
you just find yourself so tiny and negligible that you felt that there's not a place for you in this house...
leading that...
i find myself being watched and aimed all the time whatever i want to do..
i felt that millions of eyes are watching me..probably the god and my own wild imaginations..
these eyes don't seemed to be friendly but hostile...
i see the blame , anger, disappointment, unreliability and even revenge in these eyes...
they are there to make sure I FEEL GUILTY ENOUGH


my aunt told me not to suicide for any guys if they happened to break my heart in the future...
she is telling me all these because she don't trust that i will break up with M.Y and will continue lying to her...she felt that no promises should make this round and i should think on my own...
which true enough...i think and think and think
till i chose the choice they want....
i am always standing in the middle...
trying not to hurt any of them...
now...i see it...
the most painful one is me...
it's no one's fault....
not him
not family
but me....



i started the game playing even though i knew the repercussion of it....
i deserved all these

well....i am serving my sentence now...
whereby it's bloody painful now...
to be sitting on the verge of the cliff...


really want to suicide...
not because of M.y
but i think i gonna to end my life because of being guilty...



i am like a criminal now...
everyone in the family see me as a person with mistakes with a dirt in me...
they recognise me as the person who hurt my family...
they see me as a saint...



i think relationship is not affecting my studies
but the back wash is...(the effects of being discovered and reprimanded for everything you did)
guess wad...
my aunt told me they are not blaming the guy
but me...
the one who cannot think
the one who is stupid enough to start the game...




i don't blame them...
i know it's my fault and i am sorry for all i did...
and...
i think they are unhappy too...
they all go for the same aim...
they want me to be happy and stay away from mistakes and stumbling over obstacles



but to me...
at times...small obstacles in life
get me move on...
get me motivated...


not that i am saying that getting myself pregnant or getting ditch and heart broken or may be slicing my hands are small obstacles...these are huge and serious obstacles...
but i just feel that life will be so bored if one only study and study and get married or rather stead at the age when you get into university....( they suggested that you will see more better guys in uni....and u should only start relationship after u get your job)
Woah...let's count ....
that will be 10 years...
may be even before hitting the number 10...
the earth is gone already...
HAHAHA
with the thinking...
i felt that i had not done anything for me to regret....




may be as they said...
i am too young to think...
and I WILL CONFIRM REGRET IN THE FUTURE....
for not listening to them


well...
may be as they wished...
i will regret one day....


but not now...









=)
sleepy and now i can sleep without worries...
i had all my thoughts out here...
the haze in heart had somehow cleared abit..
probably sooner...
i will see the blue sky again...
may be not the same blue sky....
but better than rainy and cloudy days....






came out with study plan today



EAT SLEEP STUDY!!!


and abit rest time!!!




till.........
11 nov!!!(11/11/08)

LUCKY DAY 1111 someone will be missing me badly that day...



good luck peers!